The Juggling Act

“I can’t. I have homework to do.”

Never in a million years did I think I’d have to say those words again; but I find myself juggling homework, household duties, volunteering, writing and everything else in between. While my husband would most certainly tell me that my household duties are optional and my standards of cleanliness a little high, a cluttered house equals a cluttered mind.

I struggle keeping up with one class and can’t help but wonder how I will manage when my course load doubles in the Fall. (Yes, all of 2 classes.) I am working hard to keep up with my writing deadlines; deadlines I have made for myself but feel necessary in order to nourish my passion for the craft. Don’t get me wrong, I have an end goal in sight; it just seems quite far-sighted at this point. I am just dipping my feet in the shallow end of the pool waiting for the steep slope to carry me to the deep end.

Floaties anyone?

Perhaps some of my stress comes from the fact that I parlayed my first 2 1/2 years of college back in the olden days (the 90’s) into less than mediocre grades, 50 extra pounds and a penchant for skipping class in order to rack up credit card debt. My 37 year-old self is looking at my 19 year-old self thinking, “Oh no you didn’t!”

Could I be a victim of my own overcompensation?

But isn’t that what we’re supposed to do when we get a chance at a do over; make up for the fact that we blew it the first time?

I can’t really blame myself for stressing, but as a wise Mr. Miyagi once so wisely said, “First learn balance.”

So while yes, it’s okay to be committed; I have to be wary I don't end up committed!

Reunited - Does it feel that good?

My 10th year reunion almost a decade ago brought excitement and anticipation. What was everyone up to? Did everyone still look the same? What did I miss being out of the loop for so long?

My questions were quickly answered upon my arrival:

Not much.

Pretty much.

Not missing much.

NOTE: High School Reunion + Alcohol = High School

I recently received an invite via Facebook for my 20th high school reunion. Wasn’t Facebook created so we can find people from our pasts, see what they're up to and move on; a sort of passive reunion if you will?

Don’t we already know all there is to know about one another from our regular status updates and uploaded pictures from family vacations, weddings, births, etc.?

Perhaps my hesitation stems from the fact that I am so past high school I don’t feel the need to revisit. I am at a place in my life where I don’t have anything to prove to anyone anymore. Maybe I did at the last reunion. I had this gorgeous date (who I eventually married) by my side and was eager to show people that Pam is no longer the insecure theatre geek she was ten years before, a sure sign I was still somewhat insecure.

At 37 I am in a peaceful place where the only person I need to prove anything to is myself. I am a writer, a student, a volunteer, a wife and a secure theatre geek - and I‘ve never been happier! 

From On Line to Online

On the eve of taking my first college class since I went through my Winona Ryder hair phase I can’t help but feel somewhat out-of-step with modern collegiate life. No newly sharpened pencils as all my work is done on a computer. No new textbook smell as I purchased one used on Amazon.com. There won’t even be any teachers’ dirty looks because I won’t ever see them face-to-face. In fact, I won’t even have to leave the sofa in my house.

Welcome to the world of online learning, a concept so foreign when I was in college as email had barely come to light the last year of my studies. Yes, gone are the days of waiting on long lines to register for class as everything is now done online.

While I do appreciate not being married to a stringent class schedule and the convenience of not having to schlep to class two hours early just to find that last parking space on the complete opposite side of campus I need to be on, there is something lost in not having that camaraderie you share with your fellow student. Perhaps if I weren’t such an extrovert this online concept wouldn't seem so foreign.

For now, however, I wonder if I can get new textbook scent in a spray.

My So-Called Adult Life

I watched the show My So-Called Life religiously as a college senior. Even though the show centered around a high school student, I could relate to the central character’s experiences and often found myself in tears remembering how hard high school was and that college wasn’t much better.

The advent of Netflix has allowed me to revisit this one season classic; only now I find myself relating less to the main character, Angela, and more to her parents. Sure, I love getting lost in in Jordan Catalano’s eyes and remembering just how ahead of his time Ricky Vasquez was; but now I find myself cringing when Angela’s mother makes a backhanded remark to the father or nags him to get him to do some menial chore around the house. Why? Because I have said and done some of the same cringe-worthy things.

Around mid-season Angela’s father, Graham, quits the family printing business in order to take some time for self-discovery and pursue what truly makes him happy.

Was it God nudging me when I decided to revisit this show at this particular transitional time in my life?

As I watched the only season of this show tick away to its end, I never would find out if Graham’s foray into the restaurant business panned out; if he ended up truly happy. I want to contact the writers of the show and ask them what would have happened if the show went on for another season - another episode. Would Graham get his happy ending?

I guess that’s the advantage to existing in the real world - I get to write my own happy ending.

The Royal Housewife of Ormond Beach

I watched the Royal Wedding on Friday in awe of the pomp and circumstance and a wee bit jealous of the fairy tale Kate Middleton was living out before the world’s eyes. Then I thought about her responsibilities and obligations being a newly crowned duchess, her lack of privacy and the microscope her every word and deed will be under. Her life is seemingly no longer hers as she surrenders to age-old traditions.

Suddenly I was not so jealous.

Then I remembered Princess Diana. Her existence was filled with the same responsibilities until her life took a scandalous turn, and she was scorned in front of the entire world.

Then she made an about face.

She accepted herself as a flawed human being and seemed to begin to live her life as a princess according to her own definition, not the definition according to a centuries-old monarchy. Her life consisted of charity and honoring humanity’s needs instead of humanity honoring hers. She began to redefine what it meant to be a princess; that selflessness can work miracles if guided through the proper channels. She carved out her own niche as the monarchy fell victim to their tradition and lived by example instead of life making an example out of her.

And so, by being true to who I am and bucking tradition, I seek to redefine what it means to be a housewife; that it’s no longer about honoring my husband, but about honoring myself with the loving support of my husband; that it's no longer about being ready to serve dinner as soon as he walks in the door, but about serving a cause or mission that will leave a lasting imprint on this world.

I wish the newly crowned Duchess of Cambridge luck in her new role as a potential trailblazer. Like Diana and I, I hope she seeks to make her life her own. There's something very regal about that.