Backtracking

When working on a marriage - at least for me - it's important to remember why it is I was attracted to my husband in the first place. We are utilizing our time together to remind ourselves of why we had so much fun together in our early years and - here's the crazy part - actually doing those things!

During a recent trip to New York City we were inspired after seeing a photo exhibition by Dutch photographer Rineke Dijkstra at the Guggenheim. Her exhibit simply titled  "Rineke Dijkstra: A Retrospective" focused on her portrait work and honesty in the human expression.

My husband and I were utterly blown away by her work. She strayed from glamour and facades and instead her work was raw and real. We stood there in awe of how affected we were by the simplicity of her photos, me even being moved to tears.

We left that afternoon so completely moved and inspired to bring Rineke's honesty into our own lives.

My husband and I love taking pictures, always have and we still do; but Ms. Dijkstra's work entailed using, dare I say, "old-fashioned" camera equipment and film to truly capture small moments in a person's life without the help of automatic camera settings and photoshop to turn a moment into something that it's not.

After witnessing Reneke's vision we were inspired to capture honesty around us as well. We purchased a 1960's medium-format camera and film and are teaching ourselves about light and aperture and how we can capture truth around us. As a result we are learning from one another again, talking, exchanging ideas, planning projects together.

It's such an obvious metaphor for life I am not even going to try hiding it. This simple act of capturing honesty around us is allowing us to see each other as we once did many years ago…with hope.

Yoga for Strippers

Sitting on my yoga mat stretching and getting ready for class I couldn't help but feel rage. Everything about my surroundings annoyed me - the room was to packed, the woman next to me was invading my personal space and no one would shut up as I tried to relax before class began. 

Ahhh, the power of yoga There is nothing like a grueling sweat-infused yoga class to strip down all your armor and force you to get real with yourself...sometimes before class has even begun.

Making a proclamation to be happy is one thing; getting there is a whole different story. And this yoga class - the first one in weeks after extensive slacking and avoidance - made me realize that happiness sometimes takes work.

In yoga I try to shut out everyone else in the room; but the reality is that they are present and a part of your experience no matter how much you try and block them out. The key is to choose to make their presence positive.

The same goes for life. We have to choose how we are going to let something or someone affect us. What's so exceptional about yoga is that even when you are cursing it, it continues to gift you such valuable lessons.

Taking Control

After recently suffering my third miscarriage in less than a year I started to wonder what the point of everything was; by everything I mean the sacrifices I had made in the pursuit of happiness. Sure, I didn't have to work; but I gave up my livelihood to pursue what truly makes me happy...and I was miserable. 

This lead me to ask - what is it that makes me happy? I certainly was happy before the pursuit of parenthood. What had changed?

Miscarriages can be all consuming. They're like tornadoes destroying everything in their path - goals, achievements, wants and desires. 

I allowed myself to get sucked up into the storm. This destruction not only to destroyed my unborn children, but I allowed it to destroy my want for anything outside of family.

I suffered. My husband suffered. Hell, my babies (of the animal kind) suffered. 

But it was my fault.

The fact that that my human babies were gone was out of my control; but what I let out of my control was my desire for other things - important things - my sense of self-worth, the belief in myself - my writing, my commitment to charity, my devotion to animals. I let it all slip away.

The one positive aspect about losing control is the ability to gain it back - if you want it. I am here to say I want it back. I am taking control again.

(cue Janet Jackson)

I am resurrecting this blog so that I can continue to pursue what I love. This public statement is so you - whoever is listening whether one or one hundred - can bear witness to a woman that is choosing to regain control of her life; choosing happiness; and choosing to leave her sadness behind.