Taking Control

After recently suffering my third miscarriage in less than a year I started to wonder what the point of everything was; by everything I mean the sacrifices I had made in the pursuit of happiness. Sure, I didn't have to work; but I gave up my livelihood to pursue what truly makes me happy...and I was miserable. 

This lead me to ask - what is it that makes me happy? I certainly was happy before the pursuit of parenthood. What had changed?

Miscarriages can be all consuming. They're like tornadoes destroying everything in their path - goals, achievements, wants and desires. 

I allowed myself to get sucked up into the storm. This destruction not only to destroyed my unborn children, but I allowed it to destroy my want for anything outside of family.

I suffered. My husband suffered. Hell, my babies (of the animal kind) suffered. 

But it was my fault.

The fact that that my human babies were gone was out of my control; but what I let out of my control was my desire for other things - important things - my sense of self-worth, the belief in myself - my writing, my commitment to charity, my devotion to animals. I let it all slip away.

The one positive aspect about losing control is the ability to gain it back - if you want it. I am here to say I want it back. I am taking control again.

(cue Janet Jackson)

I am resurrecting this blog so that I can continue to pursue what I love. This public statement is so you - whoever is listening whether one or one hundred - can bear witness to a woman that is choosing to regain control of her life; choosing happiness; and choosing to leave her sadness behind.