The Little Engine That Stalled

I love when I am on a roll and getting everything and anything accomplished; from my seemingly menial home tasks (which are actually my serenity) to my writing and other ventures with my husband. The end of the day brings elated exhaustion as I reflect on my awesomeness.

That normally lasts about two weeks.

What is it about riding the high that brings this extended period of low where the thought of completing something you know you love seems so daunting? I try to blame it on hormones, working out, anything that seems a product of something else. I'll take a nap to see if I wake with renewed vigor, but alas, my blank slate remains just that - blank.

I know all it takes is getting that one meaningful task accomplished to start the ball rolling again, but it's getting to that task that remains the challenge. It took me until today to get to that task. The question is how long will this ball roll?

Backtracking

When working on a marriage - at least for me - it's important to remember why it is I was attracted to my husband in the first place. We are utilizing our time together to remind ourselves of why we had so much fun together in our early years and - here's the crazy part - actually doing those things!

During a recent trip to New York City we were inspired after seeing a photo exhibition by Dutch photographer Rineke Dijkstra at the Guggenheim. Her exhibit simply titled  "Rineke Dijkstra: A Retrospective" focused on her portrait work and honesty in the human expression.

My husband and I were utterly blown away by her work. She strayed from glamour and facades and instead her work was raw and real. We stood there in awe of how affected we were by the simplicity of her photos, me even being moved to tears.

We left that afternoon so completely moved and inspired to bring Rineke's honesty into our own lives.

My husband and I love taking pictures, always have and we still do; but Ms. Dijkstra's work entailed using, dare I say, "old-fashioned" camera equipment and film to truly capture small moments in a person's life without the help of automatic camera settings and photoshop to turn a moment into something that it's not.

After witnessing Reneke's vision we were inspired to capture honesty around us as well. We purchased a 1960's medium-format camera and film and are teaching ourselves about light and aperture and how we can capture truth around us. As a result we are learning from one another again, talking, exchanging ideas, planning projects together.

It's such an obvious metaphor for life I am not even going to try hiding it. This simple act of capturing honesty around us is allowing us to see each other as we once did many years ago…with hope.

Yoga for Strippers

Sitting on my yoga mat stretching and getting ready for class I couldn't help but feel rage. Everything about my surroundings annoyed me - the room was to packed, the woman next to me was invading my personal space and no one would shut up as I tried to relax before class began. 

Ahhh, the power of yoga There is nothing like a grueling sweat-infused yoga class to strip down all your armor and force you to get real with yourself...sometimes before class has even begun.

Making a proclamation to be happy is one thing; getting there is a whole different story. And this yoga class - the first one in weeks after extensive slacking and avoidance - made me realize that happiness sometimes takes work.

In yoga I try to shut out everyone else in the room; but the reality is that they are present and a part of your experience no matter how much you try and block them out. The key is to choose to make their presence positive.

The same goes for life. We have to choose how we are going to let something or someone affect us. What's so exceptional about yoga is that even when you are cursing it, it continues to gift you such valuable lessons.

Taking Control

After recently suffering my third miscarriage in less than a year I started to wonder what the point of everything was; by everything I mean the sacrifices I had made in the pursuit of happiness. Sure, I didn't have to work; but I gave up my livelihood to pursue what truly makes me happy...and I was miserable. 

This lead me to ask - what is it that makes me happy? I certainly was happy before the pursuit of parenthood. What had changed?

Miscarriages can be all consuming. They're like tornadoes destroying everything in their path - goals, achievements, wants and desires. 

I allowed myself to get sucked up into the storm. This destruction not only to destroyed my unborn children, but I allowed it to destroy my want for anything outside of family.

I suffered. My husband suffered. Hell, my babies (of the animal kind) suffered. 

But it was my fault.

The fact that that my human babies were gone was out of my control; but what I let out of my control was my desire for other things - important things - my sense of self-worth, the belief in myself - my writing, my commitment to charity, my devotion to animals. I let it all slip away.

The one positive aspect about losing control is the ability to gain it back - if you want it. I am here to say I want it back. I am taking control again.

(cue Janet Jackson)

I am resurrecting this blog so that I can continue to pursue what I love. This public statement is so you - whoever is listening whether one or one hundred - can bear witness to a woman that is choosing to regain control of her life; choosing happiness; and choosing to leave her sadness behind.

Treading Water

So it's been forever and a day since I last wrote. I have been absent longer than I have even had a blog. I have no defense but to just say that life happens, and if you're not prepared for what it has to hurl at you you end up like a deer in the headlights.

We have all been through trials in our lives, and my experiences are no more tragic than yours. Perhaps I don't have the life experience to put these events in their proper perspective; but nonetheless, I should have never stopped living.

Becoming consumed in regret and sadness is natural when it comes to facing fears and coming to terms with reality; but it's the length of consumption where we must set a limit for we tend to give up what we love. Treading water in our sorrows won't help pave the road of life that's before us; only cause us to become stagnant in our quest to become better than what and who we already are.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am back, for better and for worse.

http://thewellwrittenwoman.com/2011/09/10/anatomy-of-a-miscarriage/

http://thewellwrittenwoman.com/2012/01/05/anatomy-of-a-miscarriage-part-2-the-double-whammy/

The Absence of Guilt

I have been on an unplanned hiatus. I thought I would get right back into the swing of things as soon as I returned from vacation. Turns out life had other plans. 

I was raised a lackadaisical Catholic; and while church was never a regular occurrence for me, guilt certainly was. Even as a housewife I often feel guilty for not getting a household chore done, taking a nap with the dog or getting my homework done 3 days before it is due instead of 5.

Last week was a different story.

I found myself forgoing my daily vacuuming obsession, putting off my homework until the day before it was due (GASP!) and not writing a single sentence. What could have possibly kept me from all that keeps me sane?

As it turns out I like spending time with my husband; much more than gluing my butt to a sofa and cranking out an essay or painstakingly going over every piece of furniture in my house with a lint roller. Throw in some really good friends and you have the recipe for a guilt-free week of, dare I say, fun.

While the daunting tasks I forwent piled up inside my head I told myself I would not forsake quality of time for quantity of task. And I have to admit, it felt a little naughty to rebel against my own stringency.

I will also admit, however, that I find comfort in routine; so going back to the grind this week brings me great solace; but I will try and remind my slightly OCD side to lighten up just a wee bit. I may even put the lint roller back in the closet....at least until tomorrow.

Gimme a Break

Being a housewife should be a vacation, right? I get to do whatever I please on an everyday basis; so why would there be a need for a getaway?

Turns out housewives do need a break from the everyday. I am finding that out as I spend a week away from the house, “kids” and ‘ol ball and chain.

Do you know what happens when you don’t have to wake up to take care of the pets, make it to your 6:30AM yoga class and complete the 436 tasks you assigned for yourself?

You don’t wake up.

For four days I have enjoyed waking after the sun has already risen, not having to take the dog out or trying figure out what to cook for dinner with the three items left in the fridge. And it’s not like I am basking in the sun on some white sandy beach or exploring new and exotic lands; but you would be amazed what a few days in the country in the good old U-S-of-A will do to recharge your battery.

I realized how exhausted I was a couple of days ago when I could barely lift my head to hold a conversation. Physical and mental stress will follow you if you let them. I made a conscious decision to leave them at home - and my body is thanking me for it.

Turns out, however, four days was about all I needed because guess who was up before the sun rose this morning wondering what in the world I was going to do?

Now I look forward to getting back to my life with renewed vigor - my pre-dawn “me time”; the wet noses that excitedly greet me every morning; and my loving and supportive husband I promise I’ll take with me next time!